Know thy self

I felt like blogging as soon as I managed to finish what I was doing. I have no clue why but I guess it has to do with the sheer quantity of stuff currently piling up in my head. I can't say I had a bad week. I mean even by my standards this has been a decent week. No catastrophic episodes, no deaths and the pain scale is between 4 and 6 which is nothing I can’t handle. This week has been what I like to call a teaching week. Most of which happened outside of the classroom and all of which I find I am at least a little bit grateful. This week I am coming to terms with myself exploring my feelings and letting myself ask for exactly what I need. Slowly I seem to be fooling myself into believing that control is not the ultimate goal in life and it’s really all about enjoying the ride.

This week I realized I complain far too much when I don’t want to do something. Whether it be good for me or not difficult things cause me to revert back to a childlike state. While this doesn’t mean that the task won’t be accomplished complaining is usually just an out let for me to express my displeasure and control something before I lose my grip on the reality of things. I have also learned that “I don’t know” has become a defense mechanism. When I say it I usually mean one of two things: “I know and I don’t want to talk about it” or “I truly don’t know” and on rare occasions “I don’t know” can turn into “I don’t know how to explain it to you”. With this like everything else I find I must be honest and say that the meaning of that one sentence is never actually so clear or black and white. I don’t expect anyone to understand 100% of what I’m saying yet I do expect them to try and not to discount me while I attempt to collect my thoughts.

Another thing about me this week is that I put a lot of stock in my people. They seem to become extensions of myself both physically and mentally as well, like a sort of mind meld or something. I find that perhaps I put too much stock in them because my internal sense of each person is under developed within myself. Personally I find that I am quite fragmented and my personality is a boatload of contradictions. Part of me cares for people and another persona can’t stand them. There’s the persona that has regressed to the age of 5 and asks questions as innocently as a child yet there is the older moral compass that sort of causes balance. With all the chaos that goes around I need people that will be there for the long haul.

My shrink says that in order to determine a friend’s worthiness I tend to test them. I promise it’s not on purpose or even necessarily a bad thing but I always find I important to know what I do so that I can adjust myself to others accordingly. But any way my filter runs off or my brain sort of disconnects and I say exactly what I want the more I like you the more tact I tend to use. In the end if you survive my emotional flare up and lack of anger management and tendency to hedge a question that I don’t really want to discuss then you’re with me.

All anyone really needs is someone to help   them weather the storm.

One week a world away

So if you know anything about me you know I'm a Girl. I mean a real time girly girl with all the glitz and glam that you can think of. But here's the funny thing I used to know nothing at all about this type of thing at heart I suppose I am a tom-boy. I like video games and RPGs, enjoy a good book think that violence is sometimes more amusing than fuzzy bunnies. Even with all my hands on education in all things female my hair is still the most mysterious thing I have ever  known and if you know me you know that the amount of money I spend on my hair every year so I don't have to deal with it is ridiculous. Last night however there was a breakthrough of sorts I myself washed my hair with some of that Dove hair products (the ones that match my scented body wash) and let me tell you my hair came out soft but wet. Now everyone knows what my hair looks like after its been blow dried, one giant fluff ball, I figured it out. Ready for the breakthrough? Do a cool blow dry with the hair horizontal and the dryer vertical. Also use heat spray before the dry and don't dry all the way. When I finish with the drying add oil or moisture and Voila straight smooth and manageable hair.
Other breakthroughs this week: maybe ceramics doesn't exactly suck, maybe people are simply afraid to own their issues and I realized that not everything needs to be understood sometimes I just have to hang on for the ride.
In ceramics I am working on a possibly 10 inch vase type thing that I'm probably gonna give to my mom for Mother's Day. This new technique is sort of doable it reminds me of my Play-Doh days its called make coils and squish them together in a way that makes them very cohesive and smooth. While I can't say I like it I have to say it's sort of soothing once you start. That whole class in my opinion is a workout though all the normal things that people don't think about I have to  from applying enough pressure to the piece to sitting in my chair and bending down without falling on my head. As of now I haven't fallen on my head otherwise I'll keep you posted on it. I still want to cry most days when I come from Ceramics but you know "a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do"
This week I had a lovely conversation with a friend and I said to him that people don't really like me sometimes because my politics are different than most. I say what I want because I feel that keeping it bottled up is poisonous. I do things differently but I get things done and it tends to be that all my differences scare them and its not like I ask people to join me I just say this is what I do period. I think people shy away because they can't bring themselves to do the same. Here's the weekly challenge make a list of all your issues look them over. Don't be critical just accept that they are apart of you and if you don't like something you see on the list work to change it.
Yesterday I read a poem in class that had such a meditative and soothing quality that I fell in love with it. Yet I didn't understand it at all but it brought everything into perspective and reminded me that everything is a moment and moments are fleeting...

Onto the things I learn in school:
In hero villain class according to my teacher "original sin is not like HPV you don't get washed with it on the way out"... to explain why MacDuff can kill Macbeth

Reading is Fundamental

While there is nothing much to tell I feel committed to this blog thing. Even if nothing important becomes of it I've come to the realization that having a record of all things me is beyond important because everything is subject to change. So I'm trying to remember that and stay focused on doing this thing because the discoveries can be startling. This week I will write everyday for a week even if it isn't much just something because the little things matter most. You're welcome to join me!

On to the fun stuff.

Okay so you get a bottle of pills like the prescription kind, the ones with your name on them, (don't go around taking other people's pills.. not good). Here's my question have you ever actually read all of the side effects? Or do you just trust that the doctors and pharmacists that gave you this know best? Now I have nothing against any type of medical professionals but I'm all about consumers paying attention because many drugs have interesting specifications.

For example:
some medicines can't be taken  with fruit juice
some must be taken with food
some cause insomnia and yet make you sleepy
some cause headaches and make other conditions worse
some can cause lifestyle changes

While I think that medications are good I still think that people should always be cautious. All I'm saying is read the labels guys and the info that comes with it.

Shakespeare note: according to my Professor the witches in Macbeth are like Al Qaeda on brooms